A Coaches Challenge...
One month ago, our #ATEAM prepared for a 30 day "Phat Coaches Challenge." Needless to say, we were all feeling it was overdue and excited to get started. Coaches, just as other humans have our own "weaknesses" that we fight with each and every day. Some of us rely on that glass of wine at the end of a long day, or the cookies in the pantry! The list goes on and on, because everyone is different in their own way. For me, I found some skeletons hiding behind the doors of my refrigerator and pantry. What I learned about myself during these 30 days will forever change my relationship with food. The lack of awareness of my own self-destruction can no longer be ignored because I have finally surrendered. Once you open your eyes and get honest with yourself, you must own it, improve it, and count on others for the help you need. I have done my share of logging food in the past, but something was different this time around...I was honest. I was honest with myself, and my team!
You may be wondering about these little said skeletons of mine, and after many years scared to death to really face them, I have decided share them. I know for certain I am not alone. And if I am as strong as I feel on the outside, I need to be, or least strive for the same on the inside. If I am going to look my clients in the eye and insist they live a healthy lifestyle then I better not accept anything less from myself.
So here goes........ I have an eating disorder. This stems all the way back to my childhood. I was never an A student, not even close. I was teased for not being "smart" daily. As a result, somewhere deep inside, I figured out that if I'm not very smart, then I better be "pretty" and close to "perfect" on the outside. Just like anyone else, my disorder is mine, and different from others. I don't eat enough for fear my stomach will grow bigger and cheeks become fuller. In fact, the only time I ever really enjoyed and indulged in food was during my three pregnancies. For this very reason, I gained 50+ pounds with each one. I check the flatness of my stomach every single time I am in a bathroom. I change my shirt on average 3 times before I leave the house. When I have a "cheat" meal, I beat myself up inside so terribly bad that it makes me want to cry for the things I say to myself. Here is the worst part, and I mean break your heart, eye opening, get your shit together part...my 10 year old, beautiful, perfect daughter ran up to me recently with her face full of excitement and said "MOM, THE SCALE WAS AT 91 POUNDS, AND NOW ITS ONLY 88!!" I instantly welded up with tears because I am responsible for this. So it stops here, and now! I am freeing myself of all of these negative, unproductive, hurtful thoughts and actions one-by-one. Enough. Is. Enough.
I will continue to log my food everyday because I need the accountability. I recommend that everyone log their food daily, and surround yourself with people to care enough to really look at it and help you. I am incredibly thankful for the team I have, the help they have given me is immeasurable, and most of them haven't a clue what they have done for me during this past month. Of course there is a great deal of work on my part that still needs to be done, but I am confident I can do it!
Lastly, if you struggle with your own relationship with food, please talk about it. Reach out to someone you trust, begin the path to healing, so we can all live a happier and healthier life.
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